There Are Some Things Guys Should Always Do For Girls Comma Period Period

I know I just wrote my take on an idiotic list like this not long ago...and I know i shouldn't succumb to the temptation every time...but I did this time. Here is my edit of ...

There Are Some Things Guys Should Always Do For Girls, Period.
Edited: There Are Some Things Guys Should Always Do For Girls Comma Period Period

0. There are always exceptions to this list. The foundational exception is when you actually talk to the her and she says something different than what is included within this list. These suggestions don't provide you with the holy grail of dating or offer you the Ten Commandments for the Ladies Man, they're simply a push in the right direction for being a gentleman.
Edit 0. So basically: "Disregard everything written in this list and only do things that girls like instead, as obviously everything written here is enormously stupid. I am a douche pancake."

1. Open doors when possible - whether it be to a building or the passenger car door. the classic example that's stood the test of time.
Edit 1. Yes, do this. It's tradition, which basically means "thinking about things is wrong. To anyone who challenges something nonsensical that you do, simply tell them that it is 'traditional.'" So basically, girls cannot open their own doors because it is too complicated and/or hard for their tiny, weak bodies to handle. Girls are supposed to think this is good because it is "classic." Logically, if they thought about it, they should find it "insulting" if it means that the man thinks they are incapable of opening your own door, or "pointless" if the man thinks you ARE perfectly capable of opening your own door yet insists on doing it for you anyway...

2. When in a place of worship (or other places that have aisles and pews), if a man is at the end of the pew, when exiting he should stand in the aisle and let all the females go before him. (This seems odd to some people, yet normal for others. If you don't get it, don't worry about it, okay?)
Edit 2. Yes. If you don't get it then don't worry about it, because this would take an extremely high cognitive ability to understand. Let girls who you are ahead of go ahead of you because of their lack of the awesome standing-up ability that you, as a man, display. The extra one-half of a second that this saves the girls is very helpful indeed. But if you don't understand, then don't worry about it, just feel bad about yourself for not understanding this "tradition."

3. A man should tolerate the occasional chick flick, musical, opera, or ballet - whatever her preference is - *without* complaining about it! (Because the guy may just like it.)
Edit 3. Right. Just like a woman should tolerate the occasional beating *without* complaining about it. Because she may just like it.

4. Play one of the songs that would make any woman weep like the little girl she once was (but in a good way). A brief list includes, but certainly isn't limited, to:
"You & Me" by Lifehouse
Anything by Frank Sinatra
Any rendition of "Everything I Do, I Do it for You"
"Collide" by Howie Day
"Out Of My League" by Steven Speaks
And MOST IMPORTANTLY "Question" by the Old 97's (if you propose to a girl with this song, she is putty in your hands).
("Putty in your hands" is not meant to promote "using women" in any way. This group does not encourage guys to be polite in order to get her into bed.)
Edit 4. Wow. So yes, play her songs to get her into bed...for some reason. But careful, because this list is against sex also. So make sure you don't do that once you play the "getting her into bed" songs. Just make her cry. Apparently women like that. (See: Beating, above.)

5. Talk! The strong & silent bit goes from intriguing to boring quite fast.
Edit 5. Yes. Dance monkey!

6. Find out what her favorite flower is and buy them for her randomly (regardless of the situation you might be in). A simple yet profound truth: a single rose says more than dozens of anything else. (I encourage the women to not allow a guy to "prove himself worthy" through gifts and flowers and such. Trust is a precious thing and it should take a good chunk of time before he gains it back in your heart.)
Edit 6. So...give her a really expensive flower that is worth more than dozens of other types when you cheat. Might have been the first good advice I read except for the second part warning the girl not to take it. I hope I never get as stupid as whoever wrote this. I doubt my brain would have the power to move my limbs.

7. If you miss her, or love her, TELL HER! Even your friends like to hear it every now & again.
Edit 7. First off, I'm guessing you don't mean your friends want to hear you telling you you love/miss your girlfriend...because no friend wants to hear that. So I'm guessing that this means that your friends want to hear you tell them that you love them and miss them. This is true..for friends that regularly engage in circle jerks.

8. Re-enact Zales commercials (the ice is nice but certainly not mandatory).
Edit 8. This one really does speak for itself in the way of it's stupidity, but still. Really. Have you ever seen a Zales commercial? They all go the same way: Guy and girl are doing some generic thing, guy finds such original ways of surprising her with Zales diamond as:

-putting diamond into her hand while they're driving in the snow
-pulling it out of their pocket while standing in the snow
-pulling box out of pocket while looking out window at the snow

Then, girl looks at diamond, is super happy about diamond, and kisses guy. Yeah, go ahead and re-enact that without diamonds. Since the girl is obviously only excited by the riDICulously-overpriced shiny rock that is practically as plentiful in the world as gravel, then try acting out the same situation without it. It would be you standing around in the snow pulling air out of your pockets and waiting for her to give you those blowjob eyes for it. Good luck. (Also, the only way that I would ever give a girl a diamond for any reason is if my situation started like this Zales commercial: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7HFrH1K7JfE)


9. Remember: the best gifts you can give are usually free of cost.
Edit 9. (See above video)

10. Leave a note (or send a message) just to say "hi".
Edit 10. Wow, "hi?" Well because you know, if you don't then you probably must have forgotten about her in the two hours you were away. By saying "hi" randomly, though, then you demonstrate your firm grasp on the English language and submission to her complete control of your mind from afar to both of you.

11. Ask her questions about herself.
Edit 11. Yes. Even if you don't care, which is likely. That way, you can be both bored for 15 hours while she talks about something that sucks, and also in trouble later for not knowing what she was talking about since you were playing pong inside your head the entire time she was talking. So yes, definitely ask her questions about herself. Also slam your hand in car doors, and grab big dogs by the tail. All of these are smart moves.

12. Dress nice every once & a while. Any girl likes to see her brother/friend/boyfriend/e

tc. in a well-ironed button-up with some nice slacks.
Edit 12. Which is exactly why they made Ken. So they'll leave real people alone. Tell them this.

13. PRIDE & PREJUDICE ...that's all I have to say about that (I mean, that should speak for itself). (It's even more impressive if he has read the book.)
Edit 13. PRIDE & PREJUDICE...that's all I should really have to say either. Although I don't know what the hell whoever wrote this is talking about. Guys should always Pride & Prejudice for girls? And I read the book, it was not only boring, but mediocre. So all I can assume is that this means guys should be as ridiculously boring and middlingly written.

14. Tolerate small children as best you can. Meaning, put up with the things that can get annoying. They're children, after all. Show them love and care, teach them how to become a better man than you. (You were once extremely irritating. Get over the obnoxious kids and enjoy getting down to their level - not "for her", but for the good of yourself and others.)
Edit 14. For one, I'm confused. Among other stupid words, the name of this list says "for girls." But now it's directly going against that? And who's small children are these anyway? Also, do you teach the little girls to be better men than us? Fuck teaching that anyway, I'm not giving away my secrets. They can learn it themselves. Especially the small girls.

15. Learn to dance! There is nothing sexier than a man who can dance really well. If God did not bless you with the grace of Fred Astaire, at least put forth the effort, it will be greatly appreciated. Always slow dance (even if it's just like you danced in middle school). Also, men, sing to a lady. Even if you're terrible, suck it up! They love to listen to it and will not care what you sound like. It's the thought that counts on this one. Unless you're just downright terrible, nothing sexy about that. Haha, thanks, Jade!
Edit 15. This list is seriously gonna give me a heart attack. Women find men dancing sexy, so we should do it, eh? Well I find a lap dance sexy. I'll do a fair exchange. And yes, they do care what you sound like. that's the entire point of singing. If they don't care then they are completely missing the point of the action of singing.

16. Kiss her on the forehead.
Edit 16. No.

17. When she's sick, stay up with her. If you can cook (which is *always* a plus), make her some soup. If you can't cook, there's Campbell's soup at hand for you.
Edit 17. Exactly, as lack of sleep lowers your immune system's defenses, you can hang around a sick person and do your best to make sure you get sick too! Maybe have her spit into your food before you eat it too. And by "cook," I'm assuming they mean a couple of random ingredients like "noodles" into some Campbell's chicken broth and turning on the stove.

18. Pretend to throw her in the pool (or fountain/pond). If you really do throw her in, you'd better jump in yourself. **NOTE** There are some women who just hate this apparently, so you had better do two things: 1) Never allow your buddies be a part of it if you're unsure of how she feels about getting thrown in and 2) You had better know how she feels about it!
Edit 18. Ok, so I should pretend to throw girls into ponds, but don't really do it, although if I DO do it I should make sure I jump in too, but also don't have any friend's around if I'm not sure how she likes being thrown into ponds...and also ask how she feels about being thrown into ponds before I really throw her in while pretending except really doing it. Seems simple enough.

19. Hold her hand while you talk, drive, or just for the heck of it (it's the small things that win you big points).
Edit 19. This is a good tip if it means so you can have fun clotheslining running little kids. Otherwise it's pointless and gives you sweaty hands. And not just your sweat. It's both of your sweat, mixed together that you can pretty much either rub on your jeans, which you wouldn't do because you just bought these jeans and you don't want her nasty sweatjuice all over them...or her hair. And I find this makes girls angry. So I don't even know why this rule is on here.

20. LOOK IN HER EYES, NOT AT HER CHEST!!!!!
Edit 20. Yeah...cuz there's lots of breasts in her eyes. This is a stupid rule. Only do this if she is wearing sunglasses that you can see your reflection in. And if your reflection has you wearing sunglasses that are reflecting her breasts.

Obviously giving her a diamond.



(...continued in Part 2 if I bother writing it)

Why I Will Never Go To A Psychiatrist

One of the things that I remember clearly from college was this: Everyone who was majoring in psychology was a complete idiot. Granted, it was also what all the hottest girls were majoring in, but I'm not gonna try to figure out if one was the reason for the other because there's no reason to chase the chicken or the egg stuff in this. The only point I'm trying to make is that if there were people majoring in "I have Down's Syndrome" I would rank them higher on the list of "people I would trust to psychoanalyze me" than the people majoring in psychology. Every girl I had in a class who would ask the professor to repeat every easy concept that he taught several times always turned out to be a majoring in psychology, and I often got shocked looks from people sitting close to me because of all the swearing under my breath, mixed in with various forms of the word "retard" that I would be muttering a little too loudly during those times. Once from the psych major herself, but only because she was sitting directly in front of me and it was either mutter or stab her in the leg with my pen...which I'd been considering.

When I was in third grade I was "diagnosed" with ADD, which really was just more of my teacher telling my dad that I didn't pay attention to whatever it was that she thought she was "teaching" me. I may have had(or still have) what the medical community calls ADD, but checking a medical website shows gives me these as some of the main symptoms:

• procrastination
• disorganized work habits
• frequent shifts from one uncompleted activity to another

Little kids that procrastinate and are disorganized? Please God no. Frequent shifts from one uncompleted activity to another eh? Sounds serious, we'll try surgery next if these methamphamines don't work. But my favorite are the hyperactivity symptoms that can can also be part of this "disease":

• talking excessively
• having difficulty playing quietly or engaging in quiet leisure activities(I'm guessing they mean things like not wanting to sit and watch the TV, and wanting to actually DO something instead, but this is generally considered unacceptable in America's brainless, fatass culture)
• being always on the go

Yeah...wouldn't want little kids to do things like "talk" or "move." Things like that cause parents to actually have to "parent," which is unacceptable when you can just give your kids drugs instead. I remember my session with the psychiatrist when I was 8. She put me in a room with some toys and told me to play with them while I watched, and asked what I was feeling while I played. I was 8...and I distinctly remember knowing she was an idiot.

They ended up putting me on Ritalin, and it actually worked out great. My teacher was raving about how much improvement she could see immediately, my dad was happy, and the medicine actually helped...

...them. I had been going to the nurse at lunch every day to take my pills, pretending to take them, and dropping them in a trashcan in the hall when I left. Never once took one. But I guess that all proved one thing to me. Placebos do work.

The Day I Pooped My Pants

I'm not really sure how many times I pooped my pants when I was little, but I do remember distinctly how sharp and scrapey it got after it dried...presumably after a few hours of sitting on it. So I'm guessing it may have been a few. I do remember one time though, after being dropped off at a day camp one summer. I can only assume that we were all just going there every day while our parent's were working, and I'll also assume that I was going in order for my dad to not come home to a house that was on fire. Not that it would happen, my dad just never trusted me much. I wasn't allowed to use the stove for 7 years after I left it on one day, and to this day if he ever rides in my car his knuckles are white as he holds onto the edges of his seat and yells at me to stop for stop signs that are a football field away. Anyway, back at the day camp, I was two things that don't mix well. A 6 year old child who had to poop, and overconfident. The overconfidence is a trend that continues, but at the time it got me in some real trouble:

I pooped.

Not alot of poop, just the amount that you don't want in your pants...which is any. Well, as a shy 6 year old, what do you do when you poop your pants around strangers? You sit in it, and hope nobody notices. I actually thought I might get away with it when they told us that we could go down and swim in the pool (a good reason not to ever swim in pools with little kids in them, btw), but they already had me marked down as one of the children who couldn't swim(I'll elaborate the swimming thing in another post), so I was out of luck. Well around this time apparently someone had noticed that the air was thick with poop smell, so first they asked who had been pooping themselves, and when no one would 'fess up, they had us all line up while they smelled us each individually. When they were done I actually thought I had gotten out of it, since after they just sent us on our way to watch a movie. I'll give them this though, they were nice enough to wait until we were all engrossed in the movie to sneak up in the dark and make me follow them to wherever they take the poopy kids to. Being 6, I was sure that this was the end. I had pooped. Everything I had learned told me that this was the wrong thing to do, so I was definitely going to be in some sort of terrible trouble. At this point, I'm actually not exactly sure of all the details of what happened next(probably repressed), but I do remember standing in the shower, bent over, while some kid who worked the camp watched to make sure I got all of the shit off of myself. He seemed old at the time, but looking back he I would say he was probably about 14. At least he was introduced to what the working world is really like at an early age. Afterward they just led me back to the room where everyone was watching the movie, which was almost over. The last thing I remember about the incident is trying desperately to think of some lie that would explain my absence, and my day camp friend looking over at me and my wet hair in jealousy and saying, "You got to go swim?"

"Yep."

25 Reasons Why Guys Like Girls....Debunked!

I wrote this a while ago after getting an annoying random message on myspace or some site. So, ahem...

Myth: 1. They will always smell good even if its just shampoo
Truth: That's just in comparison to guys, so when you spend all day hanging out with your smelly guy friends, anything that isn't too smelly will smell good to you.

Myth: 2. The way their heads always find the right spot on our shoulder
Truth: The "right spot?" There's no wrong spot! This is stupid.

Myth: 3. How cute they look when they sleep
Truth: Untrue. When I watch a girl I can tell she's plotting...planning something against me.

Myth: 4. The ease in which they fit into our arms
Truth: Not all girls.

Myth: 5. The way they kiss you and all of a sudden everything is right in the world
Truth: Like murder, hunger and disease?

Myth: 6. How cute they are when they eat
Truth: I've never seen a girl actually eat...I'm pretty sure they don't.

Myth: 7. The way they take hours to get dressed but in the end makes it all worth while
Truth: Bullshit! Even hours of waiting for a rollercoaster are never worthwhile, definitely not seeing your girlfriend in some clothes you won't even notice.

Myth: 8. Because they are always warm even when its minus 30 out side
Truth: Not their feet! They wake you up periodically during the night with their minus-30 feet.

Myth: 9. The way they look good no matter what they wear
Truth: ...no, no that's definitely not true.

Myth: 10. The way they fish for compliments even though you both know that you think she’s the most beautiful thing on this earth
Truth: Even if for some strange reason you DO think that....she'll never believe you. And she hates you for not thinking that.

Myth: 11. How cute they are when they argue
Truth: Untrue. They often stab you.

Myth: 12. The way her hand always finds yours
Truth: Only to pull it out of your pants.

Myth: 13. The way they smile
Truth: The smiles are mostly fake. Or malicious.

Myth: 14. The way you feel when you see their name on the call ID after you just had a big fight
Truth: Until you listen to the voicemail full of death theats and insults about your penis.

Myth: 15. The way she says “lets not fight anymore” even though you know that an hour later you will be arguing about something
Truth: I'm not sure what guy likes girls for that.

Myth: 16. The way they kiss when you do something nice for them
Truth: Except that the thing you did for them is worth way more than a kiss

Myth: 17. The way they kiss you when you say “I love you’
Truth: They are just hoping for a ring at that point.

Myth: 18. Actually … just the way they kiss you…
Truth: No guy actually likes kissing. They only do it to appease the girl.

Myth: 19. The way they fall into your arms when they cry
Truth: Which smears your clothes with make-up, tears, and snot. You know how everybody loves having snot rubbed on them.

Myth: 20. Then the way they apologize for crying over something that silly
Truth: Which, of course, is better than just not snotting all over you over something silly in the first place?

Myth: 21. The way they hit you and expect it to hurt
Truth: Completely wrong. They think it DOESN'T hurt, while in actuality they always hit you with their razor-sharp knuckles right on the bone, often causing death.

Myth: 22. Then the way they apologize when it does hurt . (even though we don’t admit it)!
Truth: We don't admit it, we just cry. I definitely don't love girls for hitting me.

Myth: 23. The way they say “I miss you”
Truth: I'm a bit confused at this one actually. How exactly do they say it? Seductively? Do they sing it with a catchy tune?

Myth: 24. The way you miss them
Truth: Guys don't miss girls. Once again, we only say that to appease them.

Myth: 25. The way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn’t hurt her anymore…..
Truth: Naw, if i was gonna change the world I wouldn't waste it on that, I'd probably add superheroes instead.