There Are Some Things Guys Should Always Do For Girls, Period.
Edited: There Are Some Things Guys Should Always Do For Girls Comma Period Period
0. There are always exceptions to this list. The foundational exception is when you actually talk to the her and she says something different than what is included within this list. These suggestions don't provide you with the holy grail of dating or offer you the Ten Commandments for the Ladies Man, they're simply a push in the right direction for being a gentleman.
Edit 0. So basically: "Disregard everything written in this list and only do things that girls like instead, as obviously everything written here is enormously stupid. I am a douche pancake."
1. Open doors when possible - whether it be to a building or the passenger car door. the classic example that's stood the test of time.
Edit 1. Yes, do this. It's tradition, which basically means "thinking about things is wrong. To anyone who challenges something nonsensical that you do, simply tell them that it is 'traditional.'" So basically, girls cannot open their own doors because it is too complicated and/or hard for their tiny, weak bodies to handle. Girls are supposed to think this is good because it is "classic." Logically, if they thought about it, they should find it "insulting" if it means that the man thinks they are incapable of opening your own door, or "pointless" if the man thinks you ARE perfectly capable of opening your own door yet insists on doing it for you anyway...
2. When in a place of worship (or other places that have aisles and pews), if a man is at the end of the pew, when exiting he should stand in the aisle and let all the females go before him. (This seems odd to some people, yet normal for others. If you don't get it, don't worry about it, okay?)
Edit 2. Yes. If you don't get it then don't worry about it, because this would take an extremely high cognitive ability to understand. Let girls who you are ahead of go ahead of you because of their lack of the awesome standing-up ability that you, as a man, display. The extra one-half of a second that this saves the girls is very helpful indeed. But if you don't understand, then don't worry about it, just feel bad about yourself for not understanding this "tradition."
3. A man should tolerate the occasional chick flick, musical, opera, or ballet - whatever her preference is - *without* complaining about it! (Because the guy may just like it.)
Edit 3. Right. Just like a woman should tolerate the occasional beating *without* complaining about it. Because she may just like it.
4. Play one of the songs that would make any woman weep like the little girl she once was (but in a good way). A brief list includes, but certainly isn't limited, to:
"You & Me" by Lifehouse
Anything by Frank Sinatra
Any rendition of "Everything I Do, I Do it for You"
"Collide" by Howie Day
"Out Of My League" by Steven Speaks
And MOST IMPORTANTLY "Question" by the Old 97's (if you propose to a girl with this song, she is putty in your hands).
("Putty in your hands" is not meant to promote "using women" in any way. This group does not encourage guys to be polite in order to get her into bed.)
Edit 4. Wow. So yes, play her songs to get her into bed...for some reason. But careful, because this list is against sex also. So make sure you don't do that once you play the "getting her into bed" songs. Just make her cry. Apparently women like that. (See: Beating, above.)
5. Talk! The strong & silent bit goes from intriguing to boring quite fast.
Edit 5. Yes. Dance monkey!
6. Find out what her favorite flower is and buy them for her randomly (regardless of the situation you might be in). A simple yet profound truth: a single rose says more than dozens of anything else. (I encourage the women to not allow a guy to "prove himself worthy" through gifts and flowers and such. Trust is a precious thing and it should take a good chunk of time before he gains it back in your heart.)
Edit 6. So...give her a really expensive flower that is worth more than dozens of other types when you cheat. Might have been the first good advice I read except for the second part warning the girl not to take it. I hope I never get as stupid as whoever wrote this. I doubt my brain would have the power to move my limbs.
7. If you miss her, or love her, TELL HER! Even your friends like to hear it every now & again.
Edit 7. First off, I'm guessing you don't mean your friends want to hear you telling you you love/miss your girlfriend...because no friend wants to hear that. So I'm guessing that this means that your friends want to hear you tell them that you love them and miss them. This is true..for friends that regularly engage in circle jerks.
8. Re-enact Zales commercials (the ice is nice but certainly not mandatory).
Edit 8. This one really does speak for itself in the way of it's stupidity, but still. Really. Have you ever seen a Zales commercial? They all go the same way: Guy and girl are doing some generic thing, guy finds such original ways of surprising her with Zales diamond as:
-putting diamond into her hand while they're driving in the snow
-pulling it out of their pocket while standing in the snow
-pulling box out of pocket while looking out window at the snow
Then, girl looks at diamond, is super happy about diamond, and kisses guy. Yeah, go ahead and re-enact that without diamonds. Since the girl is obviously only excited by the riDICulously-overpriced shiny rock that is practically as plentiful in the world as gravel, then try acting out the same situation without it. It would be you standing around in the snow pulling air out of your pockets and waiting for her to give you those blowjob eyes for it. Good luck. (Also, the only way that I would ever give a girl a diamond for any reason is if my situation started like this Zales commercial: http://www.youtube.com/wat
9. Remember: the best gifts you can give are usually free of cost.
Edit 9. (See above video)
10. Leave a note (or send a message) just to say "hi".
Edit 10. Wow, "hi?" Well because you know, if you don't then you probably must have forgotten about her in the two hours you were away. By saying "hi" randomly, though, then you demonstrate your firm grasp on the English language and submission to her complete control of your mind from afar to both of you.
11. Ask her questions about herself.
Edit 11. Yes. Even if you don't care, which is likely. That way, you can be both bored for 15 hours while she talks about something that sucks, and also in trouble later for not knowing what she was talking about since you were playing pong inside your head the entire time she was talking. So yes, definitely ask her questions about herself. Also slam your hand in car doors, and grab big dogs by the tail. All of these are smart moves.
12. Dress nice every once & a while. Any girl likes to see her brother/friend/boyfriend/e
Edit 12. Which is exactly why they made Ken. So they'll leave real people alone. Tell them this.
13. PRIDE & PREJUDICE ...that's all I have to say about that (I mean, that should speak for itself). (It's even more impressive if he has read the book.)
Edit 13. PRIDE & PREJUDICE...that's all I should really have to say either. Although I don't know what the hell whoever wrote this is talking about. Guys should always Pride & Prejudice for girls? And I read the book, it was not only boring, but mediocre. So all I can assume is that this means guys should be as ridiculously boring and middlingly written.
14. Tolerate small children as best you can. Meaning, put up with the things that can get annoying. They're children, after all. Show them love and care, teach them how to become a better man than you. (You were once extremely irritating. Get over the obnoxious kids and enjoy getting down to their level - not "for her", but for the good of yourself and others.)
Edit 14. For one, I'm confused. Among other stupid words, the name of this list says "for girls." But now it's directly going against that? And who's small children are these anyway? Also, do you teach the little girls to be better men than us? Fuck teaching that anyway, I'm not giving away my secrets. They can learn it themselves. Especially the small girls.
15. Learn to dance! There is nothing sexier than a man who can dance really well. If God did not bless you with the grace of Fred Astaire, at least put forth the effort, it will be greatly appreciated. Always slow dance (even if it's just like you danced in middle school). Also, men, sing to a lady. Even if you're terrible, suck it up! They love to listen to it and will not care what you sound like. It's the thought that counts on this one. Unless you're just downright terrible, nothing sexy about that. Haha, thanks, Jade!
Edit 15. This list is seriously gonna give me a heart attack. Women find men dancing sexy, so we should do it, eh? Well I find a lap dance sexy. I'll do a fair exchange. And yes, they do care what you sound like. that's the entire point of singing. If they don't care then they are completely missing the point of the action of singing.
16. Kiss her on the forehead.
Edit 16. No.
17. When she's sick, stay up with her. If you can cook (which is *always* a plus), make her some soup. If you can't cook, there's Campbell's soup at hand for you.
Edit 17. Exactly, as lack of sleep lowers your immune system's defenses, you can hang around a sick person and do your best to make sure you get sick too! Maybe have her spit into your food before you eat it too. And by "cook," I'm assuming they mean a couple of random ingredients like "noodles" into some Campbell's chicken broth and turning on the stove.
18. Pretend to throw her in the pool (or fountain/pond). If you really do throw her in, you'd better jump in yourself. **NOTE** There are some women who just hate this apparently, so you had better do two things: 1) Never allow your buddies be a part of it if you're unsure of how she feels about getting thrown in and 2) You had better know how she feels about it!
Edit 18. Ok, so I should pretend to throw girls into ponds, but don't really do it, although if I DO do it I should make sure I jump in too, but also don't have any friend's around if I'm not sure how she likes being thrown into ponds...and also ask how she feels about being thrown into ponds before I really throw her in while pretending except really doing it. Seems simple enough.
19. Hold her hand while you talk, drive, or just for the heck of it (it's the small things that win you big points).
Edit 19. This is a good tip if it means so you can have fun clotheslining running little kids. Otherwise it's pointless and gives you sweaty hands. And not just your sweat. It's both of your sweat, mixed together that you can pretty much either rub on your jeans, which you wouldn't do because you just bought these jeans and you don't want her nasty sweatjuice all over them...or her hair. And I find this makes girls angry. So I don't even know why this rule is on here.
20. LOOK IN HER EYES, NOT AT HER CHEST!!!!!
Edit 20. Yeah...cuz there's lots of breasts in her eyes. This is a stupid rule. Only do this if she is wearing sunglasses that you can see your reflection in. And if your reflection has you wearing sunglasses that are reflecting her breasts.
Obviously giving her a diamond.
(...continued in Part 2 if I bother writing it)
